IT'S NOT COMING HOME.

The muted atmosphere at Table 4 has evaporated. Dave has found the answer. It wasn’t the heat. It wasn’t the low block. It wasn’t Tel’s “Club Illusion.” Harry Kane was cursed by a Ghanaian witch doctor.

Dave is currently shoving his phone into Tel’s face. The screen shows a LADbible post: “A Ghanaian witch doctor who put ‘curse’ on Harry Kane has responded after claiming the footballer would have goalless game.” The quote below it reads: “I am now going to release Harry Kane so that he can score in the next match for England.”

To Dave, this explains everything. It explains the 19 touches. It explains the ballooned sitter. It also explains why Anthony Gordon looked completely hopeless on the left wing — Dave assumes the curse had an area-of-effect radius that caught Gordon in the crossfire. Tel is rubbing his temples, trying to explain that a witch doctor in Accra did not force Gordon to run the ball out of play four times. Dave is not listening.

Jonny’s AI is now working overtime. He is frantically asking Sofia if she can calculate the Expected Goals (xG) of a player who has recently been released from a West African hex. Sofia is struggling to process the prompt.

“He’s been released, Tel! The curse is lifted! Panama are going to get absolutely battered!” — Dave, 10:48am, fully back on the hype train.

It is 9:30am in Benidorm. The sun is shining. The Cerveza El Poms are on the table. The full English breakfasts have arrived. But nobody is speaking.

The atmosphere at Table 4 is entirely muted. The euphoria of the Croatia win feels like it happened in a different decade. Dave is pushing a sausage around his plate with a fork, staring blankly at the pub television. He has not mentioned the laminated bracket once this morning. He has not mentioned Harry Kane equaling Gary Lineker’s record. He has not mentioned 1966.

The reality of 79% possession, three shots on target, and a 0-0 draw against Ghana has finally settled over The Pomeranian Inn. England are still top of Group L with four points. They only need a draw against Panama on Saturday to guarantee progression. But the mood has fundamentally shifted. The delusion has been temporarily suspended.

“Pass the brown sauce, Tel.” — Dave, 09:34am, the only tactical instruction he has issued all morning.

The pub television is tuned to Talksport, and Talksport is furious. Adrian Durham has just delivered his player ratings. He gave Jordan Pickford a 1/10, calling it a “ridiculous performance.” He gave Thomas Tuchel a 2/10. He gave Harry Kane a 2/10, noting that the captain had just 19 touches in the entire match and “ballooned a sitter over the bar.”

The narrative forming in the media is that this is “Southgate all over again.” They are accusing Tuchel of being too conservative, too cautious, too afraid to take the handbrake off. They are demanding to know why England looked so slow and devoid of ideas against a team sitting in a low block.

Ghana manager Carlos Queiroz poured salt in the wound during his post-match press conference, stating calmly: “We knew we had England at half-time mentally and physically.” When asked about this, Harry Kane replied that everyone was “pretty calm” and that they just needed to “move the ball a bit quicker.” Talksport did not find this reassuring.

“What a load of rubbish that was. I just wonder why we bother.” — Adrian Durham, Talksport, echoing the exact sentiments of Table 4.

While Talksport blames the manager, Tel knows the truth. He has known the truth for months. He opens the Ghana Dossier to page 18 and taps it with his index finger. The page is titled: “The Club Illusion.”

Tel’s analysis is brutal but accurate. The media thinks this is a tactical failure, a repeat of the Southgate era. It isn’t. The problem is much simpler: the players are not as good as everyone thinks they are. At club level, they are surrounded by genuinely world-class talent — the Rodris, the De Bruynes, the Salahs — who make them look exceptional. But when you take those players away, and you try to build a team with one or two genuinely elite players and nine very average ones, you get exactly what happened last night.

Dave refuses to accept this. To Dave, every English player who starts for a top-six Premier League club is automatically world-class. Dave believes that Anthony Gordon is basically a Geordie Vinicius Junior. Tel’s dossier explicitly warned that against a disciplined low block, this lack of genuine elite quality would be exposed. Dave didn’t listen. Dave never listens.

“They’re system players, Dave. Take them out of the system, and they’re just blokes running around in the heat.” — Tel, 10:05am, delivering the hardest truth of the tournament.

Jonny is in a state of deep technological paranoia. Last night, his new AI — “Sofia, Your AI Friend” — predicted a 4-0 England win and a Kane hat-trick. It cost him £60. This morning, he asked Sofia for a prediction for the upcoming Panama game.

Sofia replied: “Based on current metrics, England will struggle to break down a low block. Expected Goals (xG) suggests a narrow 1-0 victory or a 0-0 draw. Harry Kane’s mobility in high humidity remains a significant concern.”

Jonny is horrified. This is exactly what the old, “biased” American AI used to say. He has concluded that overnight, the global AI network has updated its algorithms to specifically target and undermine the England national team. He believes the machines are colluding to suppress English passion. He is currently trying to find an AI developed in a pub in Yorkshire that isn’t connected to the main grid.

“They’ve got to her, Dave. The algorithms. They’ve updated her overnight. She doesn’t understand passion anymore.” — Jonny, 10:18am, spiraling into cyber-delusion.

While the rest of Table 4 conducts a grim post-mortem of England’s tactical failings, Sharon is having a wonderful morning. She is officially the face of Cerveza El Pom: The Rosé Edition.

She is currently scrolling through luxury villas in Provence on her phone. The brand is flying her out next week for a promotional shoot at their newly acquired vineyard. She is debating whether to wear a wide-brimmed sun hat or a silk scarf for the main campaign image. She has asked Dave for his opinion on the hat. Dave, who is currently trying to calculate the permutations required for England to avoid Brazil in the quarter-finals, did not respond well.

Sharon’s TikTok following has now surpassed 1.2 million. She is receiving free samples of luxury skincare products delivered directly to The Pomeranian Inn. She is living her best life, entirely insulated from the misery of international football.

“Do you think I need to learn French, Tel? Or do they just speak TikTok over there?” — Sharon, 10:32am, preparing for international stardom.

The final whistle blew. England 0, Ghana 0. It was a dreadful game of football. England had 79% possession and zero shots on target in the first half. They were slow. They lacked urgency. They lacked creativity. Thomas Tuchel looked furious. Jude Bellingham was subbed off in the 73rd minute.

Tel stood up to go to the toilet. He left the Ghana Dossier on the table. Dave, who had spent the last two hours shouting at the television, picked it up. Dave opened it to page 14.

Page 14 was titled: “The Low Block & The Heat.” It contained a detailed tactical breakdown of how Ghana would sit deep in a 4-1-4-1 formation, surrender possession, and let England pass the ball sideways in the 32-degree Boston heat until they ran out of ideas. Tel had circled the words “Zero Creativity” in red pen. He had drawn a diagram showing exactly how England would fail to break them down.

Dave stared at the dossier. He looked at the television. He looked back at the dossier. Tel had known. Tel had known since Sunday. Tel had sat there for three days, drinking Cerveza El Pom, letting Dave predict an easy 3-0 win, knowing full well it was going to be a 0-0 draw. Dave turned to page 22. Page 22 was titled: “Kane: Likely Off-Form In The Heat.” There was a note in the margin. It said: “Will miss a sitter.”

“He knew. He actually knew.” — Dave, 11:08pm, staring at a tactical diagram that was more accurate than anything Thomas Tuchel produced.

Jonny’s new AI — the one that “understood passion” — had predicted a 4-0 England win. It had predicted a Harry Kane hat-trick. It had predicted that England would play with “relentless attacking verve.”

Jonny’s old AI — the American one he deleted this morning for being biased — had predicted a 0-0 draw. It had cited the heat, the travel, and Ghana’s defensive solidity. It had been entirely correct.

Jonny is now down £60 on his accumulator. He is trying to reinstall the old AI. The new AI is currently suggesting that England actually won the game on “moral expected goals.” Jonny has realised that the new AI is not a sophisticated predictive model, but a chatbot programmed to tell him what he wants to hear. He has been betrayed by technology.

“It told me Kane was going to score a bicycle kick. It lied to me, Dave. The machine lied.” — Jonny, 11:18pm, reinstalling the American AI.

While England were passing the ball sideways across the Ghanaian penalty area in the 68th minute, Sharon was finalising her contract with Cerveza El Pom.

The negotiations were brief. Sharon reiterated that she does not drink beer. Cerveza El Pom reiterated that she has 100 million TikTok views. A compromise was reached. Cerveza El Pom has purchased a small vineyard in the South of France. They are launching Cerveza El Pom: The Rosé Edition.

Sharon is now an official influencer. She is going to be flown to the South of France next week for a promotional shoot. She spent the last twenty minutes of the match looking at luxury villas on her phone. Dave spent the last twenty minutes watching England fail to register a shot on target. Dave is currently questioning every life choice he has made since 1982.

“Do you think they have a pool? I hope they have a pool.” — Sharon, 11:28pm, completely unaware that England have just drawn 0-0.

The reaction back home is entirely predictable. The euphoria of the Croatia win has evaporated. It has been replaced by the traditional tournament panic.

The stats are damning. England had 79% possession. They had an Expected Goals (xG) of 1.28. They managed just four shots on target in 90 minutes. Ghana defended with 21% possession and held out comfortably. On Reddit, the verdict is brutal: “Ghana deserved to lose. Proper anti-football,” wrote one fan. “What a shit game. England didn’t move the ball fast enough to make inroads,” wrote another.

And then there is Kane. Harry Kane — the man with 10 World Cup goals, the man who equals Lineker, the man Dave has been invoking as a talisman since Tuesday morning — was dreadful. He was slow, isolated, and devoid of his usual clinical edge. And then, in the 77th minute, he had an absolute sitter. Six yards out. Open goal. He missed it. He actually missed it. The stadium went silent. Table 4 went silent. Even Dave went silent.

Thomas Tuchel is facing his first real crisis. He subbed off Jude Bellingham in the 73rd minute. He brought on Bukayo Saka too late. The media are asking why England looked so slow and devoid of ideas. The answer, of course, is in Tel’s dossier. But the media do not have Tel’s dossier. They only have anger.

England are still top of Group L with 4 points. They are effectively through to the knockout stages. But the mood has shifted. The delusion has cracked. Reality has set in.

“He’s saving himself for the knockouts. That’s what world-class players do.” — Dave, 11:50pm, on Kane’s missed sitter.

It is 6pm. Table 4 has been at Table 4 since 9am. The maths is straightforward. The table is not straightforward. The table is covered in empty Cerveza El Pom bottles. This is not their first round. This is not their second round. The waiter has stopped counting.

Sharon is on TikTok Live. She has 12,400 viewers. People are joining from Brazil. From Japan. From a service station on the M6. She is waving. She is laughing. She is holding a glass of rosé. She is the most famous person at The Pomeranian Inn. She is possibly the most famous person in Benidorm. She does not know what the offside rule is. She has never known what the offside rule is. This has not slowed her down.

Dave is not on TikTok Live. Dave is watching Sharon be on TikTok Live. Dave has been watching football since 1982. Dave can name every England squad from 1990 onwards. Dave once correctly predicted a 2-1 scoreline against Moldova. Dave has zero TikTok followers. Dave has his arms crossed. Dave is choosing not to engage with this situation. Dave is failing to not engage with this situation.

Tel has not looked up from the dossier since lunchtime. He has read the section on Ghana's pressing triggers four times. He has circled something. He has underlined something else. He has drawn a small arrow. He has not shared any of this with the table. The table has not asked. The table is busy.

Jonny has found a new AI. He does not know where it is from. He does not know who made it. He knows one thing: it understands passion. The old AI was American and biased. This AI — Jonny is fairly sure — gets it. He has already switched his accumulator to the new AI's picks. He is feeling good about this. He has felt good about this before. The record is not relevant right now.

"It just gets it. You can tell. It's not biased." — Jonny, 6:04pm, Cerveza El Pom #8, explaining why he trusts an AI of unknown origin with £60 of accumulator money.

It is not yet 9:00am. The full English breakfasts are being cooked. The first Cerveza El Poms of the day are on order. Table 4 is assembled. It is matchday.

Last night, the rest of the world played football. Lionel Messi scored twice. Erling Haaland scored twice. Kylian Mbappe scored twice. The Pomeranian Inn watched in silence. The silence was broken only by Dave, who pointed at the screen and said, "Yeah, but we've got Kane." Dave has predicted the wrong winner in the last ten major championships. He is the oracle. He knows football.

Jonny's AI is broken. The stats are off the chart for Argentina and France. Germany, the Netherlands, and Norway are listed as outsiders. The AI does not rate England. Jonny has decided the AI is American and therefore biased. He is currently downloading a new AI. He hopes this one understands passion.

"It doesn't understand the badge," said Jonny, deleting a neural network that correctly predicted the last three World Cups.

Sharon's TikTok has hit 100 million views. It is going global. Cerveza El Pom has contacted her again. They do not just want a content partner. They want an Official Brand Ambassador. There is a contract. There is a problem.

Sharon does not drink beer. She has never drunk beer. She has informed the Cerveza El Pom marketing department that she will accept the ambassadorship, provided they invent a pink, fizzy version of their premium Spanish lager, or alternatively, just let her hold a glass of rosé in the adverts. They are currently considering her terms.

Dave is jealous. Sharon knows nothing about football. She thinks the offside rule has something to do with the shape of the grass. Yet she is the one with the brand deal. Dave has drunk 4,000 pints of Spanish lager in this pub since 1990 and has received nothing but a mild sunburn and a laminated bracket.

Sharon's TikTok: 100,000,000 views. Cerveza El Pom ambassadorship: pending rosé clause. Dave's brand deals: 0.

Tel has gone quiet. He has been quiet since Sunday. He is clutching the Ghana dossier under the table. He knows things.

He knows Ghana are a fit, strong team. He knows they run for ninety minutes. He knows Thomas Partey is back after his visa situation was resolved. And crucially, he knows that tonight's game in Boston is not being played in an air-conditioned stadium. The heat is back in play. It will be 32 degrees at kick-off with 80% humidity. Tel knows it is hot. Dave does not know it is hot. Dave thinks Boston is near Skegness.

The Cerveza El Poms arrive. The breakfasts arrive. Dave raises his glass. "To the boys," he says. "Easy 3-0." Tel takes a sip. He looks at the dossier. He looks at the sky. He says nothing. Some things are better left until after the full English.

Jonny found a reel. The reel was from a data scientist. The data scientist had plotted every attacker in the top five European leagues on a bell curve, measuring goals and assists per 90 minutes. The average attacker scores 0.33 per 90. This is the mean. This is where most people live.

Messi is 5.9 standard deviations above the mean. To put this in context: Haaland is 4.5 sigma. Lewandowski is 3.8 sigma. Ronaldo and Mbappe are around 3.7 sigma. These are generational footballers. They are not even close to Messi. Messi is in a category that does not have a name. The chart runs to 6 sigma. Messi is nearly at the end of the chart. The chart did not expect Messi.

Jonny showed the table. Tel looked at it for a long time. Sharon said, "What's a sigma?" Dave studied it carefully. Dave noted that Harry Kane does not appear on the chart. Dave has concluded that this is because Kane plays in the Bundesliga, which is not a top-five European league according to some metrics, and therefore Kane is operating outside the parameters of the study, which means the study is incomplete, which means Kane might be even further to the right than Messi, which means this chart actually proves England can win the World Cup.

"Kane's not even on it. Think about that." — Dave, 10:03am, Cerveza El Pom #2, staring at a bell curve that does not support his conclusion.

The beer mat was drawn on Wednesday night, shortly after England's fourth goal. It was laminated on Thursday morning at a print shop on the seafront in Benidorm. It cost €2. Dave paid without complaint. This has happened twice now. Medical professionals in the area are monitoring the situation.

The bracket reads as follows: England beat Ghana 3-0. England beat Brazil 2-1 in the quarter-finals. England beat Argentina 1-0 in the semi-finals. England beat Germany 2-1 after extra time in the final at MetLife Stadium on 19 July 2026. Kane scores the winner in the 118th minute. The word "KANE" is circled in blue biro. The circle has been laminated.

Three other tables at The Pom have photographed the bracket. Dave has been approached twice for his tactical analysis. He gave it both times. Tel was present for both conversations. Tel said nothing. Tel has a dossier.

"This is different," said Dave, at 10:47am on Saturday morning, over his first Cerveza El Pom of the day. He has said this before every tournament since 1990. He has been correct zero times. He means it again. He always means it. That is the point.

"This is different." — Dave, 10:47am, Cerveza El Pom #1, 18 June 2026. Also Dave, every tournament since 1990. Record: P15 W0.

The video of Dave explaining his beer mat tactics — captioned "my dad explaining football" — has now reached 847,000 views. The top comment, with 34,000 likes, reads: "Is he okay?" The second most liked comment reads: "Someone call 999." Sharon's reply — "He's fine, he's just English" — has 412,000 views of its own. Tel is furious she called him "my dad." Dave does not know what TikTok is. Dave knows England won 4-2. That is enough.

A cardboard box arrived at The Pomeranian Inn at 2:14pm on Saturday, addressed to: "Sharon, The Pomeranian Inn, Benidorm (The Football One)." The landlord accepted it. The box contained Cerveza El Pom branded merchandise, a letter confirming Sharon as an official Cerveza El Pom content partner, and a QR code linking to a brand brief. Sharon read the brand brief. Sharon is now an influencer. Dave does not know what an influencer is.

"What's in the box?" said Dave. "It's a partnership," said Sharon. "With who?" said Dave. Sharon pointed at his Cerveza El Pom. Dave looked at his Cerveza El Pom. Dave looked at Sharon. Dave looked at his Cerveza El Pom again. "Right," said Dave. He took a sip. He did not ask a follow-up question. This is the most emotionally intelligent thing Dave has done since 2018.

Sharon's TikTok: 847,000 views. Cerveza El Pom partnership: confirmed. Dave's awareness of either: 0%.

Tel has a dossier. The dossier is printed. The dossier is twelve pages long. The dossier contains the following information, none of which Tel has shared with the group: Ghana are ranked 73rd in the world. Ghana had zero shots in the first half against Panama — the first team in this entire World Cup to achieve that. Ghana won 1-0 with a 90th-minute tap-in counterattack. Thomas Partey, Ghana's best player, was denied a visa to enter Canada due to pending charges in the UK. He will be available for the Boston game. Tel knows all of this. Tel is keeping it to himself because it is Sunday morning and Dave is happy and the Cerveza El Pom is cold and some things are better left until Tuesday.

"You're very quiet," said Sharon, at 11:34am. "Just thinking," said Tel. "About what?" said Sharon. "The heat," said Tel. It was not the heat. It was never the heat. It was Ghana's defensive transition statistics from their last six competitive matches. Tel has a spreadsheet. Tel has not mentioned the spreadsheet.

Jonny's AI has updated its win probability for Tuesday's Ghana game: 54%. This is the highest England have ever been rated against an opponent in this AI model's history. Jonny told Dave. Dave said: "Right, so we're going to win." Jonny said: "54% means there's a 46% chance we don't." Dave said: "That's not how football works." Tel said nothing. Tel looked at his dossier. Tel closed his dossier.

Cerveza El Pom: €1.60. Dave: still unaware. Tel: aware of everything. Tel: saying nothing. Ghana: Tuesday. Boston. 9pm BST.

While Table 4 has been processing England's 4-2 win against Croatia, the rest of the World Cup has continued at considerable pace. Germany beat Ivory Coast 2-1 in their second game — six points from six, Musiala and Havertz both on the scoresheet again. Brazil beat Haiti 3-0. The Netherlands beat Sweden 5-1. Dave has watched none of these games. Dave has watched the England highlights three times. Dave has watched the Kane first goal eleven times. Dave says this is research. This is not research.

Saka trained alone on Saturday morning with an Achilles tendon issue. The BBC headline read: "Saka trains alone as England prepare for Ghana." Tuchel said he will manage Saka's minutes. Dave's response: "He'll be fine." Tel's response: silence. Jonny's AI response: a 3% reduction in England's win probability, which Jonny has not mentioned to Dave.

Sharon has been watching the Sweden games. She says it is for tactical reasons. She has mentioned Alexander Isak four times since Thursday. Dave has asked her to focus. The Netherlands beat Sweden 5-1. Sharon has not mentioned this result. Sharon has mentioned that Isak played 62 minutes before being substituted. Sharon knows his substitution time. Dave has asked Sharon to focus again.

Jonny's AI accumulator: down £340. Jonny has placed £50 on England 3-0 Ghana. Sharon says put it on each-way horses. "The system is almost there," said Jonny. The system has been almost there since March. Tuesday. Boston. Ghana. 9pm BST. The bracket says 3-0. The bracket is laminated. The bracket is law.

Kane 12' (pen, retaken). Baturina 36' (Croatia). Kane 44' (header). Musa 45+5' (Croatia). Bellingham 47'. Rashford 85'. AT&T Stadium, Dallas. 70,000 in attendance. Air-conditioned. The cooling break was booed. The cooling break was in an air-conditioned stadium. Nobody mentioned this.

The first penalty was saved. The referee — Clement Turpin, the same French official who sent off Tuchel in the Champions League, a fact the English media had been discussing all week — ordered a retake because Livakovic came off his line. Kane scored the second one. Dave: "That's what happens when you prepare properly." Tel said nothing. Tel had been saying nothing since the first penalty was saved.

Croatia equalised twice. England conceded two goals. The defence was, in Dave's official assessment, "fine." Sharon said she thought it was exciting. Jonny's AI noted that England had conceded from set-piece errors and midfield turnovers. Dave said the AI doesn't understand football. The AI updated its win probability to 41%.

Bellingham scored 47 seconds into the second half. He galloped down the right unchallenged and rolled it into the corner. Dave stood up. Dave did not sit down for the rest of the match. Rashford came off the bench and made it four with five minutes to go. The Pomeranian Inn made a noise that has not been heard in Benidorm since England beat Germany 5-1 in 2001. Dave was there for that too.

Harry Kane has scored 10 World Cup goals. Gary Lineker scored 10 World Cup goals. They are equal. Kane needs one more to be the outright England record holder at World Cups. He has four games minimum to do it. Dave has been informed of this and has described it as "inevitable."

Jonny's AI theory — that Kane rarely scores against teams ranked in the top 50 — has encountered a significant data point. Croatia are ranked 11th in the world. Kane scored twice. Jonny: "The sample size is still small." Dave: "I TOLD YOU. I TOLD ALL OF YOU." The AI has been updated. The AI's new assessment of Kane is "elite in all conditions." Dave agrees with the AI for the first time since the flag incident.

Tuchel post-match: "I loved the reaction" after a "complicated" first half. "Fans can be proud." He was "loving life" after Rashford's goal. Dave: "He's a genius." This is the first time Dave has called Tuchel a genius. Sharon noted this. Dave said he had always thought Tuchel was a genius. Sharon swirled her rosé.

The Sun declared England "world class." The Daily Mail called them "world-beaters." The Mirror ran "IT'S COMING HOME" across the front page. The Telegraph, which tries to be measured about these things, called them "England's entertainers" who started their campaign "with a bang." Ian Wright and Thierry Henry went on ITV and, in the words of the internet, "went crazy."

Dave read all of this at 7:30am over a full English. He did not say "I told you so" because he had already said it eleven times the previous evening and felt the point had been made. He said it once more, quietly, to himself, over his second cup of tea. Sharon heard him. Sharon said nothing.

England's next opponents: Ghana. FIFA ranked 60th. The media have not yet mentioned this. The media are currently discussing whether England can beat Argentina in the final. Dave agrees they can. Jonny's AI gives it a 41% probability. Dave: "That's nearly half."

Dave's official post-match statement, delivered at 11:47pm, Cerveza El Pom number fourteen: "This is the year. I have always known it was the year. The flag knew. The flag has always known. We are going to win the World Cup and I am going to be here when it happens."

Sharon's TikTok — the one where people thought Dave was having a stroke during his beer mat tactical breakdown — has 847,000 views. It gained 400,000 of them during the match. Sharon has been offered a partnership by a Cerveza El Pom fan account. She is considering it. Dave does not know what a partnership is. Dave does not know what TikTok is. Dave knows England won 4-2 and that is enough.

The flag is on the table. The flag looks slightly different to the original. Nobody is mentioning this. The flag brought good luck tonight. The flag will not be questioned. Sharon has stopped questioning it. Tel has stopped questioning it. Jonny's AI has no data on flags. The flag is fine.

Dave's prediction was 2-1. The result was 4-2. Dave: "Close enough." The beer mat has been updated. It now reads: "DAVE'S PREDICTION: 2-1. ACTUAL: 4-2. CLOSE ENOUGH." The beer mat has been laminated. The landlord did it. The landlord charged €2 for the lamination. Dave paid it without complaint. This has never happened before.

Germany 7-1 Curaçao. Felix Nmecha opened in the sixth minute. Schlotterbeck headed a corner. Havertz converted a penalty just before half-time. Musiala scored one in the 47th minute that made Tel put down his Cerveza El Pom and stare at the screen for four seconds without speaking. Brown made it five. Undav made it six. Havertz completed his brace in the 88th minute. Final score: seven. One of those goals was Curaçao's first ever World Cup goal, which the commentators noted with warmth. Germany noted it with a further three goals.

Dave watched the whole thing from Table 4 with the expression of a man who has been told his car has passed its MOT but the mechanic looked uncertain when he said it. He finished his Cerveza El Pom. He ordered another one. He said: "They were always going to beat Curaçao." Tel said: "Seven-one." Dave said: "Curaçao." Tel said: "Musiala." Dave said nothing.

The detail that nobody at Table 4 mentioned out loud, but everyone was thinking: Kai Havertz — the man Arsenal sold, the man who scored for Germany against the USA in the warmup, the man who could not be bothered to come to Kansas City — scored twice in Germany's opening World Cup match. The VARsenal asterisk was not available for comment.

Sweden 5-1 Tunisia. Gyökeres, Isak, the full squad. Table 4 stayed up to watch it. This was a tactical decision, Dave said. It was important to know what England might face if they get out of the group. He said this at 1:47am with a Cerveza El Pom in his hand and the England flag draped over his shoulders like a cape. Nobody questioned it.

Sharon's analysis of the Sweden match was comprehensive and focused primarily on the physical attributes of the Swedish squad. She described Alexander Isak as "very tall and very graceful." She described the Swedish midfield as "athletic." She showed Dave a photo on her phone. Dave looked at it for two seconds and said: "He plays for Newcastle." Sharon said: "I know. I've always liked Newcastle." Dave said: "You've never mentioned Newcastle in your life." Sharon swirled her rosé.

Jonny's AI confirmed that Sweden, if England progress, would be a potential last-16 opponent. His AI gave England a 44% chance of beating them. Dave said: "I don't need percentages." Tel said: "Isak scored twice." Dave said: "Against Tunisia." Tel said: "Gyökeres also scored." Dave said: "Against Tunisia." Tel said: "Yes." Dave finished his Cerveza El Pom.

The debate has been running for weeks and it has now reached Table 4. Should Jude Bellingham start against Croatia? Some sections of the fanbase say no. Some sections of the media say no. Kyle Walker publicly said yes, and explained at length why Bellingham remains essential. Dave read this and said: "Why is Kyle Walker talking?" Tel said: "He's a senior player." Dave said: "He's a right back." Tel said: "He's been at Real Madrid." Dave said: "So has everyone."

The substance of the debate: Bellingham admitted that at Euro 2024, England got things "a little bit wrong off the pitch" and "the group didn't connect as well as it should." This was taken by some as a damning indictment of the previous management. It was taken by others as a reason to question whether Bellingham himself is the problem. It was taken by Dave as evidence that "they need to sort themselves out." It was taken by Sharon as evidence that "he seems like a very mature young man."

Tuchel has confirmed Bellingham will start against Croatia. The Daily Mail asked whether he should play up front. Dave said: "He's not a striker." Tel said: "He scored 23 goals for Real Madrid." Dave said: "From midfield." Tel said: "That's the point." Dave said: "What's the point?" Jonny's AI gave Bellingham a 7.8/10 tournament rating projection. Dave said: "What does that mean?" Nobody answered. They ordered another round. The Cerveza El Pom was €1.60. Dave did not notice.

The World Cup has been running for four days and the picture is already more complicated than Dave would like. Brazil drew 1-1 with Morocco. Dave said: "Good." Tel said: "That means Brazil could still be in England's half of the draw." Dave said: "They drew with Morocco." Tel said: "They'll still qualify." Dave said: "Morocco." Tel said: "Yes." Dave finished his Cerveza El Pom.

The USA beat Paraguay 4-1 in front of their home crowd. Scotland beat Haiti 1-0. Australia beat Turkey 2-0. The Netherlands drew 2-2 with Japan, which Jonny described as "a warning." Dave said: "A warning about what?" Jonny said: "Japan are very organised." Dave said: "We're not playing Japan." Jonny said: "Not yet." Dave stared at him. Jonny looked at his phone.

Jonny's AI has updated its England win probability to 34% — the highest it has ever been for England at a major tournament. Dave said: "That's not very high." Jonny said: "It's the highest ever." Dave said: "For England." Jonny said: "Yes." Dave said: "Right." He raised his Cerveza El Pom. He said: "It's coming home." Nobody argued. It was 12:01pm on a Monday in Benidorm. The Croatia match was in 33 hours.